Things That Make Us

ask the psychologist: how much is too much alcohol?
on August 17, 2012

I thought this was an appropriate image to go along with our question this week:

Dear Dr. Bob,

I go out drinking several times a week with my friends, and often, even when I don’t go out drinking, I find myself having a few glasses of wine or a few beers when I get home from work. I have a hangover maybe once a week and I woke up last week wondering: is this bad? I literally spend a seventh of time in a state not considered to be ideal. But there’s nothing else to do! Everything as an adult revolves around drinking, and I don’t want to miss out on social situations. I feel like I’m at a point of too much, but everyone around me is drinking the exact same amount. Help!

- R. from California

Hi R.,

There are two basic things going on here: one is are you drinking too much and one is your social anxiety. In regards to the first one, contrary to the popular wisdom in this area, I think this is a highly individualized question. Some people are highly tolerant of alcohol, and some people can easily become addicted and have it be a very destructive force in their life. There are a lot of internet resources to do screenings as to whether you might have a drinking problem. Those instruments tend to cast a wide net, catching many people who may drink a lot but may not have an addiction problem. So you need to honestly be able to ask yourself how much your drinking is feeling like you have to drink versus feeling like you’re enjoying drinking. You can do an experiment – take a period (2 weeks, a month) where you don’t drink any alcohol and just self-discuss. Do you crave alcohol? Do you have any withdrawal affects? Is your life any different without alcohol in it? It’s probably a good thing to do occasionally just in regards to your health, to help out your liver function. It’s important to be honest in your self assessment of the extent to which this is affecting your life and your health. If the idea of taking a two week period where you don’t drink is incomprehensible, you probably need it more.

What sounds like the real problem here is your social anxiety. Social anxiety is a common mild disorder and is often the underlying cause of people drinking or using other substances to a greater extent then they might have otherwise thought desirable. Social anxiety is just what it sounds like – you become anxious in social situations, especially talking to strangers, feeling like you may be negatively evaluated or judged or rejected. These feelings come from earlier life experiences, often from your parents, where you have gotten the message that you’re not good enough. The good news is that this is an easily treatable condition. What you need to do is challenge yourself to doing “experiments.” When you go to a party, make an agreement with yourself that you will walk up to a certain number of strangers – say 3 or 4 – and initiate a conversation. It doesn’t matter whether they’re the same sex or the opposite sex but they do need to be people that are previously unfamiliar to you. You could start out by saying “hi, my name is…” and go from there. How the stranger responds to you is simply unimportant. The important thing is that you summon up the courage to make the initial contact. This is what cognitive behavioral psychologists do frequently to treat a wide variety of disorders – you do the thing you’re most scared of doing. You will find that, in most cases, you’ll not only overcome the fear but you’ll begin to enjoy the experience that you previously loathed.

Comments (1)

ask the psychologist: i’m expected to be constantly
e-vailable at my job
on July 19, 2012

Dr. Bob doesn’t think you should be stressed. He thinks you should have a flower, made from a napkin.

In fact, here you go:

He’s also had a few ~~glasses~~ bottles of wine here, which is a psychologist approved way of dealing with work stress. I suggest you simply hit up the red before dealing with after hours work stuff, and you’ll be fine. In fact, you won’t even remember working.

Hmm. Dr. Bob has suggested that drunk texting your boss is not the best idea. Let’s move on to his (actually psychologist approved) advice:

Dear Dr. Bob,

At my job, I’m expected to be “on” 24/7. I have to answer emails very quickly after they come in, even after or before working hours unless I have a very valid excuse (being on a plane, at a doctor’s appointment). I wake up stressed out that I’ve already missed something. At dinner with friends, I’m constantly checking my phone. I’ve tried to speak to my boss about it, but he says this is just what the world is like these days, and if I don’t want to be available, he can find easily find someone that does. Is there anything I can do, or is this just the way the world is now?

Help!

Carmine D.

Hi Carmine,

What you need to know is that you have choices and are, in fact, making choices, even when it doesn’t feel like it. It sounds like you have a desirable job, in a competitive arena, in a place you want to be. You have chosen that job. It comes with a price. You continue to choose that job, now even more full well knowing the price. To then complain about it is what the existentialists call “bad faith.”A useful exercise for you would be to make a list of what you like about the job and the life amenities it provides for you. Think broadly. For example, if you live in the city, what do you enjoy about living in the city? Do you get to travel because you have disposable income from your job? Do you enjoy being able to be by the sea, or walk in the park? Do you have a partner that also works in the same area that you want to be with? Sit down and spend 20 minutes jotting down whatever you can brainstorm as to what you get or get to do that having your job creates the possibility of. Then fold up that sheet and put it in your pocket for a week, and whenever you think of something, or see something, or experience something, or remember something, write it down. At the end of this inventory you should be able to make a better informed assessment of the benefits versus the costs of your current situation.Money may very well be the least of your considerations, which is somewhat counterintuitive. For the past decade or so psychologists have been doing more research on the relationship between money and happiness. It turns out, there isn’t much of one, except in the case of extreme poverty. The NY Times recently had an article(one of many) that provided a nice summary.In therapy, it might be helpful to have you stay with your “stuckness,” to wallow in it. Ultimately you would either become unstuck and feel good about your job, or decide to do something else instead. It’s about awareness, and making conscious rather than unconscious decisions about that you want.

Another consideration is to find balance between your future goals and your present happiness/job satisfaction. Is your job a stepping stone to something better? Are there alternative paths to getting there? One of my favorite psychologists, Phil Zimbardo, describes how we put our energies to varying degrees into the past, present or future. (You can assess how you divide up your energies in time by taking a free assessment at his website) . He notes that successful people put a lot of energy into the future, sometimes at a cost of hedonistically enjoying the present. But it’s having fun now that energizes you towards moving forward. You need to find the balance that works for you.

My initial reaction to your question was “just get another job.” But in reality your question is deceptively complex and touches upon much of what is meaningful and important in our lives. Take your time and make a decision that is right for you.

Comments (1)

ask dr. bob / my dad / work stuff

ask the psychologist: i have a low sex drive
on July 5, 2012

My dad is actually trained in sex therapy. Growing up, when I’d search my house for reading material, I’d find fun books like, Why is Sex Fun? and the Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices. Needless to say, it made my house very popular with sleepovers.

So, without further adieu, we’ll get into this week’s question:

Dear Dr. Bob,

My sex drive is low. I like sex – if my partner initiates it, I’m usually resistant at first, and then I really enjoy myself. But I never actually want to have it to the point where I would pursue anything with my partner without him initiating it first. I’m a healthy 29 year old, and it seems like – based on TV and movies and everything I read online – I should be raring to go at this time in my life, which makes me extra nervous that I’m just not. I don’t want this to be a problem. What should I do?

- Anonymous

Hi Anonymous,

I disagree with your diagnosis. Why do you think you have a low sex drive? A low sex drive has to do with how often you have sex, with or without another person. Thanks to the pharmaceutical industry, people have become more aware of low sex drive as a possible problem, with (of course) testosterone patches being the solution.

What you do describe is anxiety (or perhaps shyness), social expectations (you’re in trouble if you believe everything you see at the movies or read online, but that’s another story), or possibly simple laziness. It could also be the case that you are distracted.

What you should do is talk to your partner. Talk about how often each of you like to have sex, what gives you pleasure, what turns you on (and off). Open communication is the remedy for what sounds like a relationship problem. What does your partner want? Maybe you will find that it’s not even a problem that your partner is always the one to initiate sex. Talk about what you want. When you feel available for sex, perhaps there is some signal you could send.

We all have difficulty at times knowing what we really want versus what another therapist termed, “the tyranny of the Should.” If you and your partner continue to have difficulty after talking it out, a brief consultation with a therapist might be useful.

Comments (5)

ask dr. bob / my dad / relationships / sex

ask the psychologist: i don’t get along with someone in my group of friends
on June 21, 2012

Hey, Bob. What are you doing with that cigar there?

Sigh. Do I need to quote Freud again?

But is a cigar really just a cigar?

Well, technically it’s a tightly rolled bundle of dried, fermented tobacco.

What would Freud have to say about that?

I don’t know. Probably something having to do with your father.

Before this conversation delves any deeper (say, into the anal twos or, God forbid, what in the world is happening to my face there), we shall commence with…Ask the Psychologist!

Dear Dr. Bob,

I’m in a group of friends where one girl continuously leaves me out. Me and this girl just don’t have complimentary personality types – we wouldn’t hang out, except for the fact that we happen to be in the same group of friends. She’ll make plans with the rest of the group and, even if I’m in the same room, ignore me and not invite me. I don’t want to hang out with someone that doesn’t want to hang out with me, but at the same time, I want to be able to hang out with the rest of my friends. What do I do?

- J.I.

Hey J.I.,

There are 3 directions to go. The popular and usual option is to do nothing. You wouldn’t be writing to me, though, if you thought that worked so I’ll move on. Second option: don’t engage with your antagonist, and simply focus on enjoying the friends in your group that you enjoy. You would need to focus on what you enjoy about hanging with your friends and be willing to let go of your feelings of annoyance or anger. How well you can do this depends on your temperament, and to some degree her’s as well. The third option, which is both the most difficult and most potentially rewarding is to sit down with her and try and clear the air. Are you up for being honest about your feelings and risking confrontation and possible rejection? Do you know what it is about her that is bothering you? The result could be that you decide you can’t hang with that group when she is part of it, but it could also free you to resolve the situation and possibly gain a new friend.

Thanks, Pop! Has this situation ever happened to you? (It definitely happened to me, and resulted in me getting the first and only slap in my life) Do you agree with Dr. Bob’s advice? And as always, submit your questions to liz@thingsthatmakeus.com. No, really! Do it! I’ll post a brand new silly picture of my dad, just for you!

Comments (6)

ask dr. bob / friendship

ask the psychologist: how do i deal with a coworker that intimidates me?
on June 7, 2012

Hey, Dr. Bob, what are you squinting at?

The preponderance of problems in the future, that I hope to someday solve as to better the human race.

Wow. That sounds exciting, and you used alliteration excellently, although I’m not sure you used the word “preponderance” correctly.

What? I can’t hear you over the sound of the crashing ocean, and the weight of my numerous advanced degrees.

And with that, I bring you this week’s installment of Ask The Psychologist!

Dear Dr. Bob,

My company recently hired a new employee whom I supervise on some projects. She’s less experienced than I am, but I’m intimidated by her intelligence and worry I wouldn’t handle it well if she’s promoted. I’m afraid I’ve been treating her badly as a result. How can I learn to be comfortable with her on my team?

- Jake

Hey, Jake -

It takes two rats to have a rat race. You should nurture and mentor and be the best supervisor that you can be to your new employee – it’s not a competition and the quality of the supervisor is often measured by the quality and productivity of the people that they supervise. She might be promoted above you and even become your supervisor, but she’ll very likely remember the manner in which you helped her along in her career, so you can make it a win-win situation instead of a competition.

Thanks, Pop! What’s your take on the situation? Let me know in the comments, and as always, you can submit your Ask The Psychologist questions to liz@thingsthatmakeus.com!

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ask dr. bob / my dad / work stuff